How to Handle a Kid Temper Tantrum?

Have you ever had to deal with a kid temper tantrum? Have you ever seen on out in public? They can be brutal and overwhelming especially if they are reoccurring. Well I’m going to share with you my tips on how to handle a kid temper tantrum.

I have seen and dealt with my fair share of kid temper tantrums, but here are some tips on how to handle a kid temper tantrum without yelling or loosing your cool.

Kids are hard, lets just agree on that.

Sure they are adorable and the absolute best, but everyone has their moments.

Especially kids. They are known for their “moments”. I mean you’ve heard of the “terrible twos”, “threenagers”, “F-U Fours”, etc.

These little phrases didn’t just come out of thin air. Its because these ages can be the hardest.

Now that’s not to say once your kid turns 5 its all smooth sailing. Every kid temper tantrum usually has a reason behind it.

But you cannot find out the reason without doing this step first:

Calming the Kid

This is the first step of this process of handle a kid temper tantrum.

You cannot find out why they are upset while they are crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc. You have to get them calm first.

Ok great so how to do that? Well here are some tips and tricks I have learned working at a school and as a mom.

Use the “flower-candle” method.

This method is when you tell your child (and you do it too!) to hold out their finger (or they can use yours if they are too wound up) and tell them in a quiet and almost whisper voice “smell this flower…do you see it here on the tip of my finger? smell the flower”. This will cause them to inhale in through their nose.

After that then tell them “good, now blow out this candle, do you see the candle on my finger, blow out the candle”. This will cause them to exhale through their mouth.

Deep breathing technique in child form.

Sometimes when you are trying to yell over them “CALM DOWN DEEP BREATH, DEEP BREATH, CALM DOWN”, they don’t actually know what a “deep breath” is. This way you are “tricking” them into doing the deep breath but they actually are understanding.

Another way to get them to calm down is by chanting a little song.

I talk about this in my PBS kids song post, but basically you sing/say/chant “When you feel so mad, that you wanna roar…take a deep breath (then do it) and count to four…one…two…three…four…” Each time lowering your hand as you count from high to low in the air.

This hack is from Daniel Tigers Neighborhood show which is a cartoon spin off of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood specifically designed to help kids process and learn emotions.

It’s also a great parent tool too. Read more about that here.

Another tip I use to calm my kids down, is to leave them alone until they can self calm down.

I only do this with older kids because kids under 2-3 years old don’t quite understand the “I’m walking away so everyone can relax” reason behind this tip.

So mainly with my oldest who is 5 I will tell her, “when you can calm down and stop screaming, then we will talk”

This usually gets her to stop right away or shortly after because she so desperately wants to tell me why she is upset and why she wants whatever it is she is having a kid temper tantrum over.

After she takes some deep breaths herself, then she usually will be calm(er) and we can chat.

Now that we have the kid calmed down from the screaming, crying, yelling, we can move onto the next steps.

Asking Why

Now that they are semi-calmed down at least from screaming and yelling (which you might have to repeat that first step multiple times to achieve) we can calmly ask the kid what is wrong and why they are screaming.

Allow them to speak and try not to get upset while they work through what they are trying to say.

You might even know why they are screaming and crying, but allowing them to speak it directly will help them learn to process their emotions and understand it themselves.

It will also allow them to develop skills to communicate their emotions and reasoning behind their actions.

Once you find out the reason why,

Validate the Reason

Do not tell them they are being ridiculous or silly. Validate their emotions.

Validating their emotions allows them to feel like they are being heard. It allows them to understand you are listening to their needs and emotions and not just brushing their feelings off.

Nobody’s feelings can be wrong. It is how someone, even kids, are feeling and that is a personal thing. You can’t tell someone their feelings are wrong. Its how they feel.

Give Another Option

Now what you can tell them is HOW they are handling the situation could be better.

For example, when my kid wants a cookie and I tell her no and the kid temper tantrum begins, I start with the first step of calming her down.

Then I will ask her why she is upset, even though I know exactly why.

She will tell me “because I want a cookie”. To which I respond, “I understand you are upset because you want a cookie and mommy said no, but it is too close to dinner time. Maybe if you ask mommy in a nice way if you can have a cookie after dinner then you may get one, but throwing a tantrum because you are not getting your way is not a good choice”

MOM TIP: That’s another thing, never call them “bad”. I personally hate saying “you’re bad” to my kids. Because truthfully they aren’t bad kids, they are just making bad choices. So I always make that distinction.

So she now feels validated in herself and her emotions and we have talked about how she might want to act next time.

Hug It Out

After any big meltdown or tantrum and we have done the steps and have solved the problem, I like to hug it out.

I give them a hug after every tantrum or discussion because that way we end on a positive stance even if they didn’t necessarily get their way.

Consistency & Repetition

Does that mean she will? No probably not. Kids learn of repetition. So the more you are consistent and stick with these steps, the better in the end.

Repeating those steps through every kid temper tantrum, while may seem exhausting and too long of a process, will help them in the long run. They will learn the routine and get faster and maybe even not need as many steps as time goes on.

And if you are stuck and there seems to be no end in sight, then you as a parent need to take a “parent time out” too. Put the screaming child in their room somewhere safe and you take a breath, scream into a pillow if needed and take a moment to calm yourself down.

Because if you are worked up and frustrated, then there is no way you’ll be able to stay calm to do the above steps.

And sometimes just putting them in their rooms for a little time out, they will actually end up falling asleep and then everyone wins!