Mom-Guilt

I never truly experienced guilt until I had a child.

The feeling of extreme desire to run away and hide from this crazy little person pulling at your leg and throwing themselves on the floor for not getting the goldfish they wanted in the correct color cup.

This combined with the sheer feeling of missing that little terror the minute you get in your car alone.

That my friends is mom-guilt.

Before I had my daughters I had friends who would describe this phenomenon and I would look at them like they were crazy.

They would tell me they would finally get a break from their kids to go to Starbucks or Target alone and how heavenly that felt, but then as soon as they got there they spent the whole time in the kid section or staring at photos of their little ones.

I thought they were insane.

I would roll my eyes and think ‘oh my god you are insane just enjoy yourself; man you’re a clingy parent’.

I would look at them with such confusion as to why they felt so guilty being out without their kids in tow.

I felt that way until I had my own. Now I 100% understand this mom-guilt.

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 daughters and I have felt the heavy weight of this mom-guilt.

Now my husband thought I was crazy when I told him about this feeling because all I did was express how I wanted a break and needed “me” time.

He would tell me to go grab lunch or a coffee while he was home and I’d be hesitant to leave. He would say “you complained all day about how you needed a break, yet now you want us to come with you? God woman your insane”

Yes, yes I was insane.

All day I had wanted a break from these shadows following me around pulling at my pants for snacks, yet the moment I got the opportunity for a break I was hesitant or I’d want them to come with me.

Now once I finally did make it out of the house alone, I would drive to Starbucks get my coffee and then head to Target for a quick break.

Yet the whole time I spent shopping for the family necessities and miraculously ended up in the kid clothing section and perusing toys for our daughters.

I was driving home after my Target “break” and I thought to myself ‘man I wonder what our kids are doing’, ‘I wonder if they are behaving’, ‘I’ll stop and bring them home a cookie’, ‘ah I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when I get home’.

This happens every time I leave for “me” time. It never fails. Every. Single. Time.

Mom-guilt is like a regular guilty feeling but 1000x more extreme.

It’s the feeling of leaving a part of you behind to do something that you could or normally would do with them.

I felt like I am betraying them every time I leave the house because I am usually always with them.

In all honesty they are completely fine without me there for a couple of hours and it’s definitely more in my head and emotions than an actual reality of her needing me to be there.

But I still feel that sense of loss or like I’m forgetting something every time I leave the house without them.

Yes I know it is healthy for them to not be around me 24/7 and I do get out and leave them behind, but that doesn’t help this feeling of extreme guilt every time I do leave the house.

Some days are easier to leave than others, especially if I am at my wit’s end and have zero patience left.

It’s easier to say bye and walk out the door, but then this crazy thing happens, I feel a thousand times worse leaving under those pretenses than if they had been perfect angels.

Like somehow my leaving when they are being naughty or crazy is punishment for their behavior and that isn’t what I want them to feel.

Yet, do they over-think about me leaving as much as I do once I leave? No. They go on about their business of playing with toys.

I am the only one left with this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why? Because I’m a mom and we’re just all crazy like that. Or maybe it’s just me.